


shrek (2001)

by pantasticlams



Series: if i could text her [3]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Explicit Language, F/F, Galaxy Gals, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Shit goes down, Texting, Tree Bros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 09:16:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13431639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pantasticlams/pseuds/pantasticlams
Summary: literallygod: they’re holding him hostage in the principal’s office!!!! let’s go save him!!!literallygod: it’ll be like in fairytales. connor is the princess, evan is the brave knight, and the principal  is the dragon guarding the princess in the tower.evanhandsome: what the heckzoe101: lol that makes me think of shrekallama: i love that movie





	shrek (2001)

**Author's Note:**

> hello, it is i. this is probably my favorite of the ones i've written so far. enjoy this chaos.

allama: y’all 

literallygod: howdy partner

dairyqueen: ^this whore

allama: y’all !!!!!!

evanhandsome: what !!!!!

allama: today is gonna be a good day

dairyqueen: you don’t know that

allama: oh but i do

dairyqueen: not really

dairyqueen: you could be hit by a car or something

allama: wow thanks

dairyqueen: i didn’t say i wanted you to be hit by a car did i

allama: anyway

allama: today is gonna be a good day

zoe101: why

allama: because i’m going to moe’s later and it’s the only thing that’s gonna get me through school lol

evanhandsome: ugh i want moe’s

zoe101: what…,,..,..,. the fuck

dairyqueen: are we in the presence of………

dairyqueen: moe’s people?????

evanhandsome: what other kind of person is there

allama: am i in the presence of……..chipotle people

evanhandsome: oh

evanhandsome: ew what the heck

zoe101: chipotle is my ENTIRE LIFE okay BACK OFF

dairyqueen: im like the kid in that vine

dairyqueen: “oh my god, i love chipotle. chipotle is mah lahfe”

allama: oh my lord

allama: i can’t believe this

allama: im DATING a girl who doesn’t know what a good burrito is

evanhandsome: OH FUCK

dairyqueen: HOLY SHIT EVAN SAID A BAD WORD

dairyqueen: EVAN DONT FUCKING SWEAR

zoe101: what was so severe that forced you to swear bro

evanhandsome: IM DATING A GUY WHO LIKES CHIPOTLE

evanhandsome: I THINK IM GONNA THROW UP

allama: HOLY SHIT AHAHAHHAHA

dairyqueen: wow

zoe101: woooooow

literallygod: y’all are being so dramatic omg

allama: no this is a big deal

dairyqueen: jared where do you get burritos

dairyqueen: pick a side

dairyqueen: we’re tied right now

dairyqueen: but we can win

literallygod: nah lmao

literallygod: taco bell bitch

literallygod: guys?

literallygod: it’s been like ten minutes and no one’s said anything

literallygod: okay

literallygod: see you at school ig

 

//

 

allama: guys omg tell me y’all just saw that

literallygod: YES OMG IT WAS THE BEST MOMENT LF MY LIFE

evanhandsome: saw it? i lived it.

literallygod: HAHAHAHAH

zoe101: WHAT I DIDNT SEE

zoe101: I DONT HAVE TH SAME LUNCH AS YALL

zoe101: WHAT HAPPENED

literallygod: so basically

literallygod: connor left in between the second to last and last class before lunch and didn’t tell me where he was going and i didn’t really care so i didn’t ask. he then came back in time for lunch with a moe’s bag. he sauntered confidently into the cafeteria, clutching a tin foil clad burrito and proceeded to forcefully throw it at evan’s head, killing him instantly.

zoe101: oh

zoe101: my

zoe101: lawd

evanhandsome: i?? didn’t? die????

literallygod: THEN THEY MADE CONNOR GO TO THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE

zoe101: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

zoe101: im crying

zoe101: i think that’s my favorite part of the story

evanhandsome: i feel really bad cause he didn't even do it as a mean thing he just went to moe’s and got me food even tho he doesn’t like it

zoe101: aw

zoe101: now i’m sad

zoe101: cause you’re all sad

literallygod: guys i just had an IDEA

allama: jared they’re having a moment

literallygod: no everyone will like this idea

literallygod: i think

literallygod: i hope

zoe101: what is it

literallygod: let’s BREAK CONNOR OUT

allama: wat

literallygod: they’re holding him hostage in the principal’s office!!!! let’s go save him!!!

literallygod: it’ll be like in fairytales. connor is the princess, evan is the brave knight, and the principal is the dragon guarding the princess in the tower. 

evanhandsome: what the heck

zoe101: lol that makes me think of shrek

allama: i love that movie 

literallygod: omg is she serious

allama: wtf

literallygod: anyway

literallygod: who’s in

allama: do you know how much trouble we could get into for that?

evanhandsome: ^

zoe101: i’m down

zoe101: let’s to it jared

literallygod: FUCK YEAH!!!

allama: oh my god

evanhandsome: you’re both stressing me out so much

literallygod: we’re about to break your boyfriend out of prison

literallygod: you’re welcome

evanhandsome: but

evanhandsome: he isn’t

evanhandsome: in

zoe101: you’re welcome binch

literallygod: zo meet me in the senior parking lot

zoe101: ok cool

allama: i can’t believe this is happening

allama: why on earth are you going to the senior parking lot

allama: connor is in the principal’s office, dumbasses

literallygod: we’re going there to plot, dumbass

allama: oh my

zoe101: i just told my english teacher i got my period so i could leave

literallygod: noice

evanhandsome: guys please don’t

zoe101: don’t what

zoe101: it’s just the senior parking lot bro chill

evanhandsome: zoe come on

evanhandsome: don’t break him out

evanhandsome: you know he’s just gonna get pissed at you

zoe101: ev

zoe101: i’m his sister

zoe101: it’s my job to piss him off

allama: i agree with evan

evanhandsome: no

evanhandsome: i meant don’t break him out without me

literallygod: OH HELL YEAH

zoe101: WOOOOOOOOOOOO

evanhandsome: i just have to wait til class ends

literallygod: just think of an excuse

evanhandsome: class ends in five minutes jared

literallygod: ugh we’re waSTING PRECUOUS TIME EVAN SHIT GODDAMBN

evanhandsome: i don’t think it’s that severe

allama: evan i can’t believe you’re going along with this

evanhandsome: hey it was my fault he went to the principal’s office in the first place

zoe101: ??? how so

zoe101: he’s the one who decided to throw a goddamn burrito at you

evanhandsome: yeah but you know

zoe101: no i actually don’t 

literallygod: you better fucking sprint outta that classroom evan

literallygod: i’m so fucking bored

evanhandsome: yeah it’s almost over okay

zoe101: alana it’s now or never

zoe101: last chance to change your mind and join us

allama: absolutely not

zoe101: boring

allama: stfu

evanhandsome: okay i’m on my way there

zoe101: woooooo

literallygod: lit

allama: how do you plan on going about this? 

allama: i’m very nervous

zoe101: you could be a part of the planning ya know

allama: no

literallygod: well we don’t know yet alana so maybe chill out

allama: oh for god’s sake

allama: here’s what’s gonna go down

allama: jared is gonna go to the principal’s office and make up some bullshit story

allama: and while he has her very much distracted, zoe and evan are going to get connor out of there

zoe101: ooh that’s good

literallygod: not bad not bad

evanhandsome: how is he going to distract her enough to not notice us?

allama: you’re going to be very quiet jared is going to be very loud

allama: also i think it would be best if only evan went in

evahandsome: WHAT

zoe101: WHATTTTTT

zoe101: i wanna be a part of this shit

zoe101: evan wasn’t even on board until like two seconds ago

allama: okay fine then both of you go in

allama: but be quiet

literallygod: okay we are approaching the office

allama: draw zero attention to yourselves by not talking verbally

literasllygod: oh my god

allama: here’s what’s gonna go down

allama: jared is going to enter the office

allama: zoe and evan are going to wait two minutes

allama: 120 seconds

allama: and then the two of you are going to open the door as slowly and as quietly as you have ever done anything in your lives

evanhandsome: ooh boy is my anxiety at its peak rn

literallygod: too bad get over it we’re saving ur bf

literallygod: i'm going in

allama: good luck

zoe101: talking will be too loud so just text if you have something to say

evanhandsome: ok

evanhandsome: i feel like i’m about to throw up

zoe101: omg me too

zoe101: not gonna lie i’m literally shaking rn

evanhandsome: same i’m so nervous

zoe101: i think we’ve both surpassed nervous

zoe101: this is some next level shit rn

evanhandsome: indeed

zoe101: ok it’s been two minutes let’s go

evanhandsome: oh god

allama: good luck guys

allama: i’m supposed to be reading for ap lit currently

allama: but fuck that

allama: i’m totally kidding as soon as this whole ordeal is over i’m going to read my book

allama: give me updates as soon as you can

allama: i’m literally on the edge of my seat

allama: did you get him out

allama: omg 

allama: the principal caught you didn’t she

allama: i could not be more stressed right now

allama: oh my GOD

evanhandsome: attachment: 1 image

evanhandsome: we got the spicy boi

allama: OH THANK GOD IM SO HAPPY

allama: y’all are so cute my heart is melting

dairyqueen: ew stop

allama: fuck you

zoe101: why it’s like he never left

allama: is jared still in there?

zoe101: yeah lol i forgot about him

evanhandsome: same

zoe101: we’re gonna go back to the parking lot lmao

zoe101: you should meet us there when your class ends

allama: i don’t understand what you just said to me

allama: because it sounded like you just told me to skip class

allama: and i think we all know that's not happening

zoe101: i apologize, for i was a fool

allama: yeah you damn were

dairyqueen: wow 

dairyqueen: jeez alana

allama: shut it burrito boy

zoe101: WOWOWOWOWOW

evanhandsome: this is getting too intense for me

dairyqueen: stop overwhelming my boyfriend

allama: oh,,,,my god

zoe101: JAREDS BACK

allama: OOOOOOO

allama: what did he tell the principal??

literallygod: i told her i think i’m gay and i was scared cause i didn’t think my parents would approve lmao

allama: hoe that’s something you go to the guidance counselor for

literallygod: i know that’s what she told me

allama: i literally have tears in my eyes from trying not to laugh rn

literallygod: hey that could very well be true

allama: last week you and your mom watched will & grace together and compared you to jack every five minutes

allama: you texted me as it happened

dairyqueen: damn expose him

zoe101: that is the most bizarre and simultaneously hilarious thing i have ever heard

evanhandsome: i love your mom

evanhandsome: mother of the year every year

dairyqueen: DISAGREE

dairyqueen: EVAN YOUR MOM IS A LITERAL ANGEL I LOVE HER SO MUCH

literallygod: YES

literallygod: HEIDI HANSEN FOR PRESIDENT

dairyqueen: RT

evanhandsome: yeah she is pretty awesome

dairyqueen: i wish she was my mom

evanhandsome: no no no

evanhandsome: you have the actual coolest mom

dairyqueen: what

zoe101: wait 

zoe101: are we thinking of the same person rn

dairyqueen: i’m confused

evanhandsome: ???

evanhandsome: your mom is so nice

allama: i agree

allama: your mom is the nicest person i’ve ever met

zoe101: i

dairyqueen: you are mistaken

zoe101: well if you think about it

zoe101: she usually disagrees with all the bullshit that dad starts

dairyqueen: u right u right

literallygod: yeah your mom’s cool but your dad’s an ass

zoe101: re fucking tweet

evanhandsome: true that

zoe101: hey alana when school ends do you wanna go get smoothies

allama: hell yeah


End file.
